girlofprey

Things I have learned about myself from my perfume journey:

1. If you put rose in anything, I'll probably like it.


2. I might hate jasmine? But then sometimes I'll get a perfume that is mainly jasmine that I really like, so I don't know. There might be many forms of jasmine.


3. Money means almost nothing to me.


4. You can go very quickly from smelling the eau de toilettes in Marks and Spencer's to browsing Tom Ford's private blend.


5. The literal difference between cologne and perfume.


6. Oakmoss is dangerous, maybe? And it makes perfumiers very upset.


7. I don't know what chypre is and maybe I never will. It's not even a smell. But I feel like if I smelled even one example of it, I would have a better idea.


8. Perfume sellers that won't send out samples of their ONLINE ONLY FRAGRANCE are the literal devil, but also I understand why they do it, I guess. My favourites are the people who are like "we will sell you a £150 discovery set, made up of five tiny bottles and a £140 voucher for one of the bigger bottles. You must buy a bigger bottle at the end. Or just leave us with £140. Whichever."

Lockdown life continues to be lockdown life. I go very rapidly from "I'm fine in my house all the time" to "I just want tO GO TO A SWAMP AND SEE AN ALLIGATOR". I have not yet had a period, and my symptoms seem to be subsiding? Idk. It's hard to know what's hormones and what's just living a completely different lifestyle.

I'm still not talking to the dog. Maybe tomorrow. I have a bunch of video games I want to play, but also slightly capricious reasons for not wanting to play any of them. When I first wished for time at home (not knowing all that was going to happen), one of the things I really wanted was time to finally play The Division 2. But the Division series is about rebuilding America after a pandemic has swept through killing most of the population. So it also feels like a game you might not want to play at a time like this. Likewise, a game site advised against playing A Plague Tale: Innocence right now. There's a new Borderlands 3 expansion that came out last Thursday, but I feel kind of bad about the fact I never completed the main game, or the Handsome Jack expansion that came out at Christmas. And also I don't want to rush through either of those endings as though I don't care, just to get to the new expansion. I think collectibles are really killing that game for me, much as I like them individually. I think they really ruin the pace. And I got Nioh 2, but it is a Soulslike, and I don't know if I really want to play a massively hardcore game right now, even if it does have character creation and neon spirit animals. So I'm playing Animal Crossing. I have five villagers now, and I like most of them, but also resent having to pull up all the wildness of the island to colonise it and move them in. I might be the only person who likes the island weeds. Except for the fact they destroy items. I so far only have two new types of fruit (apple and coconut), despite going to Mystery Tour islands all the time. I don't like trading in living things even in games, so I feel like I'm going to fall behind the game economy by not selling the bugs and fish I catch. And bunny day sucks, but everyone else has already covered that, and Nintendo have mitigated it, thank god. Meanwhile the sakura blossom items are beautiful, but I can barely find any recipes despite playing all the time, and the event finishes on Friday.

What I would really like is for The Sims 4 to drop a new expansion. Some new adventures in that would be ideal right now, and they haven't really anything except one tiny stuff pack since last November. But people have made the point that they never release anything in April because it's the beginning of their tax year, and they don't tell us about anything they're releasing really until just a few days before it comes out sometimes, and today they released a blog post of their 'content roadmap', which literally just says we'll get an expansion pack (large), a stuff pack (small), and a game pack (medium) sometime in the next six months. Grand.

Also, I've been looking up ways to watch 'The Mermaid', a Chinese romantic-fantasy-comedy (based on that website I linked to last post), and have apparently discovered a whole genre of mermaid horror I didn't know about, so I'll probably get into that shortly. In an attempt to make sure I can pay for that, and all the other things I want, before my next payday, I finally dipped into online banking last night. I went to see how easy it would be to make an online transfer to my mother for rent, and Barclays want to send a card reader to my home, to authorise transfers with. ?. Don't know what that means. Mum doesn't seem to have to do it when she's transferring money. But it seemed to be the only option Barclays was giving me. So I guess I'll get a card reader. Sent to my home. So I can manage my finances during these restricted, troubled times.

Parents have gone on holiday. I do not have the dog. My mother finally offered to pay my sister to look after her own dog for a week, and then my sister agreed. So there we go.

I have the house to myself for a week. I have to go food shopping tomorrow, and initially resented it, but then remembered when I go food shopping when my parents are away, I can buy whatever I want. Fruit I probably won't eat. Smoothies. Ice cream. My mother already got my two cartons of smoothies, because she is a star. Still. Freedom.

I also got paid today, so I am catching up on all the things I couldn't buy yesterday.

I've been feeling extremely tired and stressed this week, and had a weird pain in my stomach all yesterday that I didn't quite understand. Then today it turns out I'm on a tiny, tiny, tiny, miniscule period. So that explains quite a lot of that.

Sony have brought out a limited edition PS4 Pro to celebrate the fact that, since they brought out the original Playstation, they have sold 500 million consoles. I'm equally touched by their success and covetous of the PS4 Pro. But I probably won't buy it. Because I've already pre-ordered this limited edition Spiderman PS4 Pro. Because I am insane.

I'm bleeding. So I'm going to guess that it was pre-menstrual tension. Also I said something to my MN. He claimed he and his friend didn't even do anything, they just went over when the girls shouted to them and then the girls said they were perving on them, and he seemed vaguely actually indignant about the whole thing. He is a pretty good liar though. So idk. I said some stuff about things boys did to me when I was a little girl, and told him it's not okay to hurt girls to impress other boys. Don't know how much of it went in but. It's all I can do. Respect women, kids.

Today, my plan was to get up, go out to see the first showing of the King Kong movie, have a Burger King, go to my local video game shop and see if they have anything new in (even though I'm literally still caught between Horizon: Zero Dawn and Mass Effect: Andromeda coming out this week (all the colons)), and then come home and play video games.

Instead what happened was that a bee woke me up at 7am, angrily buzzing between my window and my blackout blinds - but at least they do still exist for the moment. I couldn't get back to sleep, woke up at twenty to 11 when I'd been planning to leave at 11 for the train and also realised I had mild cramps because I was probably bleeding again, decided to try to rush and go for the train anyway, whizzed downstairs and tried to quickly eat 2 buttered crumpets, and realised that was a terrible idea when I felt really full, hot, was cramping, and suddenly whenever I burped it tasted like blood.

I did not go for the train.

Damn that bee.

I'm feeling better now, but my plan for the day is all over the place. I don't even know about Burger King. I'm still having cramps because I brushed my teeth and now I'm not supposed to eat or drink water for a while so my toothpaste can do some magic on them. aksdjd.

I got thinking the other day about those hats Trump was wearing right up to before the election. The stupid "Make America Great Again" baseball caps, and his followers started wearing them as well, as though it was going to make them look cool. I was thinking that Hillary should have come out wearing a backwards baseball and a jacket that said something like "Hillz 2 pay the billz" to make fun of them. Then I decided I loved that mental image, and wanted to share it.

( Periods, possible TMI )

I had my first filling on Monday. It wasn't my favourite thing that ever happened, but it wasn't as bad as I thought. My tooth still feels a little sensitive, but okay I guess. It's weird thinking some of it was deliberately chipped away. Anyway, then I got to spend 2 and a half hours in town, with a numb lip and not being able to eat, waiting for a doctor's appointment to get on the minipill. Which I now have. I took my first one today. It feels so odd, like such a big thing to be setting out to change my hormones and possibly not have to deal with painful periods anymore, which is a problem I've had since I was about 12 - but at the same time I probably won't be seeing any differences for at least a few weeks. Headaches are apparently a side effect I might get. Also the nurse told me it can increase your feelings of anxiety and depression, so. Super. And also mildly increases your risk of breast and cervical cancer, so. I have all that to look forward to or worry about. But it should mostly settle down within a few months, and if it works I can then just carry on with it. And I definitely had to do something. Taking a few days off every month for curling up in bed with stomach cramps was really not an option.

My sleep has been terrible lately. Mostly due to the incredibly hot duvet I'm currently using. I'm not enjoying the weather at the moment - it's getting colder, but it's still not cold, so people seem to not know what to do and just turn their heating up to the maximum anyway. So I'm constantly slightly too cold when I'm outside, and then slightly too hot when I get inside. Also we've had some monsoon-like downpours in the last couple of days. But it is autumn, which is nice. Anyway. My mum bought a new duvet for me and that's ready to go tonight, so hopefully it won't be an issue for much longer. It was a little cold the other night, so it wasn't too bad under my current duvet, but then last night I ended up having a weird anxiety dream about Deacon from Fallout 4 sleeping with my sister. And not just sleeping with her, but being so busy sleeping with her he/they failed to notice or help me with a problem I was having with a crazy stalker woman a floor above me. This comes shortly after a dream I had the other night, which was - I frequently have anxiety dreams about being told about or remembering a holiday at the last minute, and not being able to pack properly while my friends are on the verge of just going without me. But the other night I had a dream about having been on a trip, and then just not being able to go quickly enough. Not packing to leave quickly enough, and then wanting to go to the bathroom before getting on the train, and everyone just huffing around me. So that was fun. I would like less nightmares, essentially. And better sleep.

Got my ESA assessment in 45 minutes - 15:15 on the 15th - and the pain from my stomach cramps is starting to kick in. Already took a naproxen earlier so I can't take them. Might have to take some paracetamol. Don't know what they'd think to me trying to cancel it at this stage, or trying to cancel it at all without a doctor's note or something. If I go and am obviously in pain though, maybe she'll have sympathy. I still don't really know what I'm going to say. I haven't prepared in any way. Partly because I've just been thinking about video games and E3 this week, but still. I think the point is: do I feel ready to work? Yes. Do I feel ready to work a really soul-crushing job, if that's all that's available? I don't know. Do I feel ready to support myself by working? No, not really.

But it doesn't need to be that bad. I just realised yesterday when I picked up a new prescription that if I'm not on benefits anymore, I'll need to pay for prescriptions and dental work. Which is another reason to go on Jobseeker's, much as I don't like that idea. But the last time I was on it, just before I applied for ESA, I told the Jobcentre about my ESA and got put with a disability advisor, who was lovely, and there was a lot less pressure. I don't if that will still be available, after so many years under a Conservative government, but there are definitely disability workers available, because that's who I see for my ESA check-ins. And maybe they'll actually help me get the kind of job I want. So who knows?

I'm also meant to be having kickboxing later, but I don't know. I'm meant to be resting my foot, still, and kickboxing isn't really the way to go about it. But I've not been going for walks, also to rest it, and I was so out of shape during the session last week, I don't really want to let it slip. I said I'd go tonight, but that was only because gradings are this Saturday, and they wanted to discuss some changes about that with me. But I don't think I'm going to the grading - I think that would be a step too far, with the foot, and being out of shape at the moment, I don't even know how I'd do. The only thing is that the next set of gradings will probably be at the end of August - when I might be at the Insomnia festival with my parents and nephew. So I might be waiting a long time for my next chance to go up a belt. So there's just tonight. And now the pain from my period's kicking in, I think maybe it isn't such a good idea. It's just frustrating. To have things getting in the way of doing it, and never knowing if I'm not just making excuses.

Today I:

• Finished up the last little bits of the Division I hadn't done, and went into the Dark Zone, which is the area where the toughest enemies are, where you and other players can see each other, and where you and other players can kill each other. I was a little nervous, because I play solo and the Division is mainly supposed to be a team game, so I figured everyone else would have a team and maybe I'd just get murdered repeatedly. But actually it was quite nice - I barely even saw any other players to begin with, and then some came along and saved my life (possibly by accident) when I was about to be killed by game baddies. The only 'Rogue Agents' (ones that have started killing other players) I saw were being hunted down by non-Rogue agents, and then I guess I killed some game baddies that were harassing another player? And they invited me to be on their team with them. So we went round killing enemies for a while. Still possibly a much better experience than I might have had if we'd had voice chat on and they were a guy and they knew I was a woman. But you never know - maybe not. It was nice though, anyway.



• I got a letter through the post with a questionnaire for an ESA assessment.
  
  I knew it was coming, I guess - I'm a little surprised it's come now, as my advisor said they'd got my next assessment down for September, and she said they were usually pretty spot on with their dates these days. But then I have a month to fill it in, and then they need to process it, and decide if they want me to come in for an assessment (they generally do) - I seem to remember getting a questionnaire three months before I was due an assessment before. So it might only be a couple of months earlier than my advisor said, really. It's just a shock still to actually receive it, and remember I have to actually do that soon. But I did know it was coming - and I do feel a lot better than I used to. I was even thinking about getting a part-time job soon, or looking for some more volunteering - and I do feel a little dissatisfied sometimes with mostly just sitting in the house playing games all day. Maybe I'm ready to start looking for work. I'm not thrilled about possibly having to do the Jobseeker thing again, but...we'll see, I guess.



• Oh, also I got my period. It was a full and exciting day.

Well. I asked my mum for a lift into town as she goes to pick up my YN from school, and she agreed, so I told her to tell me when she was leaving and now she has gone without me. Haven't been forgotten for a long while, if ever.

Also when I was trying to log in to LJ today, for a brief terrifying moment it said my username - which was perfectly spelled as far as I could see - wasn't recognised.

( Some TMI for you all )

Also I went to kickboxing last night and spent a long time holding up very heavy pads for someone else to practise punches on, and now the ring and little fingers on my left hand are still trembling.

( Computer games talk, some waffle about marketing and specs )

ETA: In the middle of writing this post, my mum remembered and came back to get me. So. That was nice.